First Kiss Disaster

Here is a short story I wrote based on one of my best friend's horrible, horrible first kiss experience. It was too funny not to write about. I asked if I could write it from her POV and she said yes. I wrote this about two years ago. 
Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson
Snow White's was mind-blowing enough to raise her from the dead!

Everyone knows that your first kiss is supposed to be mind-blowing and life changing. At least, this is what fairytales and Hollywood like to promise young girls who are seeking their own Prince Charming. I have to admit that before last night, I -- like many girls -- was suckered into the belief that my first kiss was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I assumed it would be magical. I was convinced that at the moment my lips made contact with the love of my life, the starry skies would explode with color and a choir would immediately start singing “Hallelujah!”

Well, I sort of feel like an idiot now because my first kiss was definitely not the best thing that’s ever happened to me. In fact, it was quite the opposite...

The instant I hung up the phone I began bouncing up and down, squealing immaturely with sheer delight.

“Oh my gosh! No way! The movies?” My younger sister Jane asked excitedly. My cousin Clare walked in with a towel wrapped around her head. “Roxy is going on a date with Derek Corey!” Jane said.

“Shh,” I said angrily. “Mom is in the other room.” “You aren’t telling Aunt Sharon about this?” Clare asked, smiling mischievously. My mother is, well, a very uptight kind of person. Jane and I have concluded that
she was a drill sergeant in a previous life. We were only allowed to group date until we turned eighteen, which was a huge problem because I had just agreed to go out on a date with Derek Corey... alone.

My mother was going to kill me.

I walked into the living room and there my mother sat on the couch, talking on the phone, and watching Oprah. I plopped down on the leather chair next to her.

“Oh no!” she said angrily into the phone. “This is terrible!” My eyes widened in fear at her tone. “Kids these days.” She shook her head in disgust. “At least my Roxanne is still
safely group dating.” 

I gulped.

My mother hung up the phone, shaking her head disapprovingly. “Penny is pregnant,” she fumed. Penny is a girl my age from church. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

“Uh, hey Mom?” I began nervously. “I’m going out on a date with Derek Corey to the movies tonight,” I said, rushed. “That’s okay... right?”

“A group date, right?” I heard two sets of giggles erupting from my bedroom. “Yes, of course,” I lied to her, something I rarely do. She waited before answering. I felt moisture quickly developing on my forehead. 

“Okay,” she said. “Is he picking you up?”

 “Yep,” I answered. “And then we’ll meet up with everyone at the movies.”

“Alright,” she said nonchalantly.

When I entered my room I let out a huge sigh of relief. My legs were shaking. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with guilt. 

I hoped my lie wouldn’t come back to haunt me.

Five o’clock rolled around slowly. When I saw Derek’s car I quickly told everyone goodbye, grabbed my purse, and raced to the front door. My hands were dripping with sweat. At first, the car door handle slipped between my fingers. Frantic, I wiped my hands against the side of my sweater before entering the car.

After I took my seat, I gazed up at Derek, who is simply gorgeous -- dark wavy black hair and striking indigo blue eyes. I was the luckiest girl in the universe.

“You look nice,” he said and his breath smelled like winter mint. “Ready?” I nodded. I glance up at my house, noticing Jane and Clare staring at me through my
window, laughing. I didn’t really care because I was with Derek. The entire drive to the movie theater I kept thinking of how lovely my new name
would sound. Roxanne Corey. I loved it. We pulled up to the movie theater and hopped out of the car. 

He quickly started
walking off. I raced up to him, wiping the sweat off my hand onto my sweater once again and took a risk by holding his hand. My face heated up. He looked down at me, smiling.

Y es!

We walked up to buy our tickets. I couldn’t wait to see 27 Dresses. “Two for There Will Be Blood,” Derek said.

“What?” I asked. “I thought we were seeing 27 Dresses?” 

“Don’t worry,” he told me. “If you get scared you can hide behind my arm.” I was starting to have a bad feeling about this.

 Before going into the theater. Derek bought us a bag of popcorn along with two
sodas. Then he asked for one more thing... a chilidog with extra onions. Just when I thought I was going to get my first kiss he bought a chilidog with
extra onions! 

We took our seats. Derek watched the movie with his entire left arm wrapped
around the bag of popcorn, holding the chilidog in his right hand and taking huge carnivorous bites out of it like he hadn’t eaten in years.


All I could hear were his teeth tearing away at the meat, obnoxious chewing noises, followed by several delighted moans. “Mmm, this is so good,” he said with a mouth full of chilidog. 

I almost gagged.

I reach my hand inside the bag of popcorn and it was empty! He ate it all. What a

The entire movie was nothing but blood and guts. I had to stare down at my feet for the majority of the film, but what I heard made my stomach churn and at times I felt as though I was going to barf.

When the movie finally ended I let out a huge sigh of relief. “Well,” Derek commented, “that was great!”

“Yeah,” I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Fantastic.” “Alright, lets get out of here,” he said.

We walked out to the car. He didn’t even bother to open the door for me! When I got into the car I almost gagged because Derek’s breath was beyond revolting and he wouldn’t stop burping.“Whoops,” he laughed, after belching yet another time. 

The whole drive to my house Derek went on about how amazing the movie was. Soon we are approaching my sister’s middle school, which is only a few blocks
away from my house. However, instead of passing the school, Derek pulled directly into the parking lot and cut the engine.

Before I could say anything, Derek lunged for me with his hands, one at my shoulder, turning me to him and one behind my head, pulling my face into his. He kissed me violently. I pressed my hands against his chest in protest. This only caused him to pull me closer. Then without warning he slipped his fat, slimy, disgusting tongue into my mouth. It tasted like chilidog and I swear it touched the back of my throat, gagging me. I immediately clamped my teeth down.

He jerked back, wailing, “Ouch! You bit me!”

“Derek,” I shrieked at the top of my lungs. “You drive me straight home this instant!”
He shoved his keys into the ignition and drove me home. I exited the car the second it came to a stop, slamming the door behind me. I leapt up the steps to my house.

Inside, I greeted my family.

They were all seated on the couch, watching a biblical film. Clare looked up at me with a smirk on her face. I walked briskly to the bathroom and pulled out my mouthwash and toothbrush, removing all traces of chilidog and Derek.

Jane and Clare sat on my bed, eagerly waiting to hear what happened.

“Everything that could possibly go wrong did,” I cried, and then explained the rest of the story. They were supportive and tried to reassure me, but once I said, “Derek has no idea how lucky he is. I was just about to grab Dad’s shotgun,” they burst into laughter, so hard they began crying and suddenly I was laughing too because of the sheer ridiculousness of the whole event.
After that, I didn’t want to kiss a boy ever again. I was through. But looking back, I couldn’t help but smile and think that karma played a part in my chilidog-flavored first kiss, because honestly, what good can come from lying to your parents?


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